Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
