bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
