I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
