I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Randomize
