I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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