I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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