I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
