I've blown a few things in my day
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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