In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
