My sheets look like a crime scene.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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