I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
