dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
