i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
