When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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