I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
