I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
ugly people sure do ruin things
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
