I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
