3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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