Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Randomize
