There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
We need to rekindle our bromance
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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