Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I would ride that face into the sunset
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
