Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
