I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
