i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Randomize
