meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Randomize
