well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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