I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
