so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
