I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Don't EVER smell your tampon
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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