Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
