I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
