i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
