My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
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Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
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Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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