I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?