Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!