I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.