all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
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Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
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I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen