I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
