Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
