A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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