So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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