I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
