Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Randomize
