So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
