Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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