I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
