I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
