mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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