If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
