my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
