I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Randomize
