Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
