I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
