i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Randomize
