i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
