How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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