Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
