I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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