He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
