a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
40s are totally the cure
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
