Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
