cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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