She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
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