Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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